Time

Went in for my first swim of 2009 yesterday after work. So what if it's already 5 days into the new year? Better late than never right? I was in better shape than I had anticipated and managed to do non-stop laps for half an hour. Worst part was probably still my fear of the deep end.... but that's slowly getting better.

As my laps came to an end, the lifeguard on duty began setting up for the aquasize class and a few of the attendees were warming up in the water. I looked around for the familiar faces that I had remembered seeing from 2008 and only recognized 2 people. It gave me quite a jolt as most of the people in the class are elderly and with their absence, I wondered if maybe they are now too old to move or worse yet, maybe they've moved on. I floated on my back as I thought about how fast time has slipped past me in the past year and how fast time would feel for an elderly person. What if the short lady that always wore ear plugs had passed away and was not able to finish everything she had wanted to? Would she be begging for more time at her death bed? Is there some way I can finish or accomplish everything I want to do before it is too late?

Then the music kicked in... "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line..." and I lost my train of thought. I sang along to ABBA for awhile before getting up to shower.

---------------------------------------------

Mavis, 25 years old, gets a slight thrill when her car fish tails in ankle high snow on an empty side street.

Cowardly...

I've been hiding for a year now, behind the veil known as grief. I blamed it all on circumstances and refused to open my eyes and see things for what they really are. Not that I didn't try but it's some how comforting to stay unhappy than to work on myself. Could it be that I crave pity without knowing it? If the attention is there, then it makes life almost bearable. Then maybe I'm not alone.

Maybe I should stop for awhile. Maybe I'll find myself standing there with more to offer the world than I could possibly imagine. Instead of letting life pass me by in a blur, I should take a chance and sit still for a minute, or two. Smell the coffee that I've been so blindly sipping.

2008 was about developing phobias without reason. 2009, I will look for clarity.

---------------------------------

Mavis, 25 years old, likes the feeling of moving forward at the beginning of a breaststroke with her arms stretched, toes pointed, and eyes closed.

I will never be able to understand the minds of boys or men in any case. Or... maybe men-boys or... boys-men? or just people in general... and I'll never be able to understand... this game that we play with each other...If meeting new people means playing games like, hard to get or if he doesnt call then I shouldn't call then I GIVE UP! who in the world is suppose to keep track of the rules and restrictions of which we're suppose to follow as a single 25 year old female. I work just as hard as the boys, if not harder, and my job is mostly dominated by male so why is it, that when it comes to relationships, I suddenly have to "feminine" myself up and BE the "girl" that enjoys playing "hard to get"?Aren't good relationships built on trust? If so then why am I suppose to pretend that I'm not interested when really I AM! And why must we always make assumptions that my expressing my feelings will scare men away? and yes, maybe it will but, just maybe, he's waiting for me to give him the ok. who knows?So why is it that we play these games when it comes to L O V E? I'd like to know... and I'd like to know why he's waiting for me to play hard to get so that he can chase after me. god... this is exhausting. I QUIT!

Watched Dan In Real Life last night with my lil sis. One of the lines in the movie really hit me square in the forehead and made me ponder...

"Do you know why we have lighthouses?
We have them because they help when it's dark,
It keeps boats safe,
Keep us from crashing into rocks,
Because when you're out there being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves,
And you think that you'll never feel land again,
And that you could just split into a million pieces,
And sink down,
All the way down deep,
It's the light that keeps us on course."

I think in general, my personal life kind of lacks that light. I often find myself reaching out with my arms stretched trying to grab hold of something in the dark. And the problem is, as soon as I bump into something that I can grab hold of, I rarely let it go. That intensity of "clinging on for dear life" may sometimes scare people away tho. (Personally, I don't see it as an attractive quality).

So what ever happened to the lighthouse that was suppose to exist in my life? I've seen glimpse of flashes, but they never last. (And to tell the truth, I think when the flashes go off, I often see things littering around my surroundings and it is not pretty. So THOSE are the things I'm trying to grab hold of? It's really quite depressing.) But may be this is a goal I need to reach for. To build my own lighthouse to find clarity so that I'd stop sinking, stop reaching, and stop breaking into a million pieces whenever I lose sight of that light again. Something to work on... and definitely not easy, but I think I've got an idea.

"Turn this sinking boat, and point it home, we've still got time."

I've had a rough day, or to properly describe things, it would be that I had a rough week. To start things off, I got stung by someone close to me and now I feel like I've lost a good friend. Work's been slower than slow and with all the free time on my hands, I am at a loss of what to do with myself. Yesterday's project went totally side ways as my equipment fails me once again and today, I cut myself and while putting on a band aid, I got hit in the head (my right temple) with a super heavy and hard lacrosse ball. I almost wanted to sit down on the ground, stomp my feet and wave my arms in the air and throw a super tantrum. WTF is going on?

I feel like I'm sinking a bit. People are worried that I am depressed because I've some how, in the span of the past 2 weeks, locked myself up in my car and thrown away the keys. I went from "you're doing great" and "let's try every possible colour in the spectrum of the rainbow" to "let me just sit here and rot because there's no point in trying any more".

But really.. what is the point in trying? I feel unworthy and stupid more than 50% of my day. The other 50% is spent questioning may be I am doing something right but most likely wrong. And to add to all of this, I feel fat. oh and that I have no one to count on. Once again I've fallen into that familiar bitterness which I know all too well since moving back to Vancouver. I think I seriously need to get outta here.

I never thought that I'd be experience this feeling I am feeling right now, yet again.

How is it that, after all the lessons that life has thrown at me, I can still some how ignore the implications and clues that would ultimately lead to my inevitable doom. Clearly, I have not been paying attention to life lessons as I should be learning or maybe I chose to ignore them because I enjoy a good dramatically disastrous ending?

I think Cat Power describes it (my feelings) best when she sang:

the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows
do you believe she said that?
I said I hate myself and I want to die.

No one likes flakes, and that includes me.

In the past months, I've realized that I've surrounded myself with flakes. If any one is interested, I've got "flakes" up for grabs, FOR FREE.

Sometimes I don't think they mean to be flakes but it just so happens that they are to me. Half of the things that comes out of their mouths now makes me roll my eyes into my head (now if only I can train my ears to fold into my head too then I won't have to listen to all the rubbish that comes out of their mouthes.)

After much thought, I realized that at my time of need, I received no refuge. I got the total opposite actually. I got a load of crap from them that they needed help with. I busied myself around their feelings, their broken hearts, their wants and needs and gossip about their other superficial friends. Everyone's trying to look like a saint and sigh about other people's mistakes. Well it's all BOGUS.

Through it all, I some how lost myself with this circle of drama and now I feel like I'm drowning in it and cant make my way out. I seriously need a lifestyle change... starting tomorrow. Swimming at 6:45am. *fingers crossed*