Time

Went in for my first swim of 2009 yesterday after work. So what if it's already 5 days into the new year? Better late than never right? I was in better shape than I had anticipated and managed to do non-stop laps for half an hour. Worst part was probably still my fear of the deep end.... but that's slowly getting better.

As my laps came to an end, the lifeguard on duty began setting up for the aquasize class and a few of the attendees were warming up in the water. I looked around for the familiar faces that I had remembered seeing from 2008 and only recognized 2 people. It gave me quite a jolt as most of the people in the class are elderly and with their absence, I wondered if maybe they are now too old to move or worse yet, maybe they've moved on. I floated on my back as I thought about how fast time has slipped past me in the past year and how fast time would feel for an elderly person. What if the short lady that always wore ear plugs had passed away and was not able to finish everything she had wanted to? Would she be begging for more time at her death bed? Is there some way I can finish or accomplish everything I want to do before it is too late?

Then the music kicked in... "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line..." and I lost my train of thought. I sang along to ABBA for awhile before getting up to shower.

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Mavis, 25 years old, gets a slight thrill when her car fish tails in ankle high snow on an empty side street.

Cowardly...

I've been hiding for a year now, behind the veil known as grief. I blamed it all on circumstances and refused to open my eyes and see things for what they really are. Not that I didn't try but it's some how comforting to stay unhappy than to work on myself. Could it be that I crave pity without knowing it? If the attention is there, then it makes life almost bearable. Then maybe I'm not alone.

Maybe I should stop for awhile. Maybe I'll find myself standing there with more to offer the world than I could possibly imagine. Instead of letting life pass me by in a blur, I should take a chance and sit still for a minute, or two. Smell the coffee that I've been so blindly sipping.

2008 was about developing phobias without reason. 2009, I will look for clarity.

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Mavis, 25 years old, likes the feeling of moving forward at the beginning of a breaststroke with her arms stretched, toes pointed, and eyes closed.