"Turn this sinking boat, and point it home, we've still got time."

I've had a rough day, or to properly describe things, it would be that I had a rough week. To start things off, I got stung by someone close to me and now I feel like I've lost a good friend. Work's been slower than slow and with all the free time on my hands, I am at a loss of what to do with myself. Yesterday's project went totally side ways as my equipment fails me once again and today, I cut myself and while putting on a band aid, I got hit in the head (my right temple) with a super heavy and hard lacrosse ball. I almost wanted to sit down on the ground, stomp my feet and wave my arms in the air and throw a super tantrum. WTF is going on?

I feel like I'm sinking a bit. People are worried that I am depressed because I've some how, in the span of the past 2 weeks, locked myself up in my car and thrown away the keys. I went from "you're doing great" and "let's try every possible colour in the spectrum of the rainbow" to "let me just sit here and rot because there's no point in trying any more".

But really.. what is the point in trying? I feel unworthy and stupid more than 50% of my day. The other 50% is spent questioning may be I am doing something right but most likely wrong. And to add to all of this, I feel fat. oh and that I have no one to count on. Once again I've fallen into that familiar bitterness which I know all too well since moving back to Vancouver. I think I seriously need to get outta here.

I never thought that I'd be experience this feeling I am feeling right now, yet again.

How is it that, after all the lessons that life has thrown at me, I can still some how ignore the implications and clues that would ultimately lead to my inevitable doom. Clearly, I have not been paying attention to life lessons as I should be learning or maybe I chose to ignore them because I enjoy a good dramatically disastrous ending?

I think Cat Power describes it (my feelings) best when she sang:

the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows
do you believe she said that?
I said I hate myself and I want to die.

No one likes flakes, and that includes me.

In the past months, I've realized that I've surrounded myself with flakes. If any one is interested, I've got "flakes" up for grabs, FOR FREE.

Sometimes I don't think they mean to be flakes but it just so happens that they are to me. Half of the things that comes out of their mouths now makes me roll my eyes into my head (now if only I can train my ears to fold into my head too then I won't have to listen to all the rubbish that comes out of their mouthes.)

After much thought, I realized that at my time of need, I received no refuge. I got the total opposite actually. I got a load of crap from them that they needed help with. I busied myself around their feelings, their broken hearts, their wants and needs and gossip about their other superficial friends. Everyone's trying to look like a saint and sigh about other people's mistakes. Well it's all BOGUS.

Through it all, I some how lost myself with this circle of drama and now I feel like I'm drowning in it and cant make my way out. I seriously need a lifestyle change... starting tomorrow. Swimming at 6:45am. *fingers crossed*

I've never been one to admit to being lonely, at least, not to others.

I eat myself up inside as I struggle to find the balance of being independent and being lonely.

Last night, I escaped the confined walls of my room and hopped in my car. I drove aimlessly through streets I didn't recognize until I reached the darkest, longest stretch of pavement I could find. I slowly accelerated and flew past blocks of darkness before realizing I was at UBC. I drove past the Chan Centre and thought of the times I've passed by here during the day with him and started to tear up.

I turned my car around and headed back to that dark stretch of road. This time, driving 40km. I let myself cry as I drive, not knowing how to stop myself, or the car. 20 minutes later, I was at the dyke again, like all the other nights I end up there half dreaming that he'd be there waiting for me. It was empty again. I thought back to the nights where we'd drive there to look at the stars and the moon through his sun roof. I'd hold on to his hand. Without realizing it, I reached over to the seat next to me and found nothing. I cried silently whispering his name.

I don't know if I'll ever love again.

At age 24, you'd think that I've some how managed to keep my thoughts some what organized and be able to express myself better than I ever could before but, you're wrong.

At age 24, I feel as if I've reached a plateau that is leading to no where. It doesn't seem to get any higher, and there doesn't seem to be a way down either. I peer over the edge of it and see nothing but darkness, afraid to jump. Maybe if I did jump down, I might actually find myself again but for now, I'm stuck here, until I get up the nerve to make a change.

The reason why I am back here on blogger was that it is more accessible to my non-LJ friends. I will update both accounts I think, since LJ is more of an account to keep track of my personal thoughts and this will be the PG13 version of it. or... in other words, things that I'm not ashamed to admit to the world. Things like "yes, I ate a whole giant bar of chocolate, a pot of instant kimchi ramen, a plate of strawberries with huge dollops of sour cream, a can of grass jelly, some cadbury mini-eggs, a chopped scallop roll, a BC roll, a spicy salmon roll, a sunomono, a bowl of chicken soup, a carrot, some garlic bread all in the span of my day." where as on my LJ I'll be writing: omg... I am such a pig. (oh... but I guess I don't mind admitting that here either).

But I digress, this is and will be, a new home to my thought process. Enjoy.