I never thought that I'd be experience this feeling I am feeling right now, yet again.

How is it that, after all the lessons that life has thrown at me, I can still some how ignore the implications and clues that would ultimately lead to my inevitable doom. Clearly, I have not been paying attention to life lessons as I should be learning or maybe I chose to ignore them because I enjoy a good dramatically disastrous ending?

I think Cat Power describes it (my feelings) best when she sang:

the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows
do you believe she said that?
I said I hate myself and I want to die.